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Biologically, the chemicals that flow through our veins are not the same for men and women. We know this logically and yet don’t fully understand the differences this creates in desire. I was chatting with a transgender client who’d been on hormones for three years and she shared with me that, in her experience, on testosterone she felt emotions in black and white and on estrogen she felt emotions in every colour.

    As she was someone who had travelled a life path in two different hormone and chemical structures, I recognised there could be much understanding in this.

    It’s been said that Viagra changed the world for menas the loss of libido could be corrected with a chemical – and that the person who invents the same for women will become wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

Yet women are just more complex than their chemicals.

Because they see the emotional and sexual spectrum in colour, you can’t just adjust one chemical element or colour and expect the entire rainbow to be turned on!

There are layers, even in the way women perceive their environments. For eons, women have had to be hyper aware of their surroundings, creating a multilayered way of caring for small darting children and a way to organise the home without clutter or what’s seen as psychological ‘noise’. There was a recent article in Psychology Today, that women in a perpetually messy, cluttered environment produce more cortisol (a stress hormone) than men do in exactly the same environment.

That’s so important, I’m going to repeat it. In EXACTLY the same environment!

There’s a reason that a clean, uncluttered, child-free space is often the best foreplay for women and it’s based in our chemical and emotional make-up that lies beyond just taking a pill.

    A tired woman is one that will not prioritise sex, as she is still needing to tend to her environment and the work involved in that. With men, its stress that relates directly to the loss of libido or erection.

     It sounds like the same issue, but it’s not. ‘Tired and stressed’ is a catch phrase we use, obviously related, but they are not the same thing. A tired man will often still have sexual desire; sex is fantastic stress relief for men, but a tired woman?

Women don’t work the same way.

A tired women adds sex to the list of chores that need to be done, as sleep and rest are more important to her body, especially if she’s tired and stressed out by her environment that is nagging at her to be cleaned and decluttered before she can relax. A clean home is the lingerie of the woman’s sexual fantasy!

    So, if a stressed man wishes to improve his partner’s libido in order to have more sexual intimacy, he needs to cater to the optimum conditions for creating the zone for her libido to emerge.

Creating an intimate space where there’s nothing for her to do but relax.

And just taking her to a different environment while there’s still chaos at home doesn’t completely work, as there’s still psychological ‘noise’ about knowing what she faces when she gets home.

    She may relax best with no chores, no children knocking on the door and no mess to clean up. As relaxation is the key to awakening her full orgasmic potential (the most pleasurable, long-lasting orgasms are achieved by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, the ‘rest and digest’ system). anything that leads to this full release of relaxation can ignite the libido response.

Sometimes she just needs a really good night’s sleep and a clean house.

It’s that simple.
I’ve had women actually cry in coaching sessions as I explain this to their partners and the men can’t believe that creating the space for intimacy in this way can be so effective.

Until they try it.

    Add some real touch skill sets to a beautiful space to relax into intimacy and you’ve got an interested, vibrant and relaxed partner who can fully engage with you sexually.

The more she engages, the more likely a man is to release stress and enjoy renewed intimacy and pleasure.

    A fully receptive, eager and pleasured woman, who willingly sexually engages with her partner, is one of the best intimate stress relievers for a man.

It’s also highly erotic.

It’s a win-win situation instead of some sexual zero sum game.

   Try it. It’s a new version of sexting to say “Hey baby. I’m going to have the house professionally cleaned, send the kids to the babysitter for the weekend and let you sleep in on Saturday.”

    She may cry.  It’s not sadness, it’s relief. Touch her gently under those conditions and a whole new intimate life of pleasure lies before you.

Anne-Marie is the founder of Intimacy Coach International and certifies and trains Intimacy Coaches worldwide to run sessions with neo-Tantra, Taoist sexuality and sensual/massage skill sets, with a set code of conduct for sessions. Having been with her husband for 27 years, their passion is working with people to improve their pleasure skill sets and relationships, both online and with couples’ retreats.

Anne-Marie has appeared on 702, Radio Today, Power FM and Kaya FM talking about conscious sexuality and neo Tantra, featured in Women & Home magazine and has been a guest twice on ETV’s ‘Great Expectations’ on regaining libido after childbirth. More info: